Saying Eighteen

Proverbs 23:26-28

My son, give me your heart, and let your eyes observe my ways. For a harlot is a deep pit, and a seductress is a narrow well. She also lies in wait as for a victim, and increases the unfaithful among men.

Son, women are above your pay grade.

The human heart is like a puppy — an absolute blast, but definitely in need of a leash. God gave it to us because, at a deep, creational level, there is a whole lot of fun baked into his world that can only be appreciated through heartfelt emotion. The brain, by itself, simply doesn't know what to do with such things as inside jokes, limerence, or water slides. At the merest whiff of emotion, it throws up the hands, shakes the head, and mutters: what even are “butterflies”?

Without tuition, however, the passions simply run wild and forage in trash cans. Leashless hearts, unchecked by the head, are prone to feel things they ought not feel: lust, pride, covetousness, envy, jealousy, untethered empathy. The head, therefore, must mark out a paddock of lawful desires in which the heart may run around freely and enjoy the sunshine. Within these bounds — ideally set by the law of God — it must truly be free from the strictures of over-zealous pietism. The heart should frolic, puppy-style, in the paddock of righteous delights; that’s why God created it with legs (metaphorical legs, of course). But it must also learn — sometimes the hard way — that the fence is electric and barbed.

This principle is especially true for young men of the twenty-first century. Living in an age when porn is more accessible than bread, and women seem to be in a race to the bottom over who can wear the most provocative outfit, the heart of today’s young man simply is not safe in his own chest. He must obey the writer of Saying Eighteen and hand it over to his father, or at least a wise mentor, for safe-keeping — “My son, give me your heart.”

In this way, mentors are like shepherds who protect roaming young hearts from the ravages of wolves. The best ones have generations-old paddocks, handed down from time immemorial — with fences of finest Jarrah and grass that never fades — which have seen the successful rearing of many young hearts to maturity. It should be the habit of young people to entrust their hearts to these counselors. Such people are not afraid to hurt you in the short term to keep you healthy in the long. Sometimes a painfully dispassionate “you’re being a mule, mate” — or (to jump back into the metaphor) hitting your head on a Jarrah fencepost — is what the doctor ordered.

The wolf, you see, often turns up at the door of your heart dressed in something cute — nay, adorable. And whilst your eyes and flesh are blinding your judgement, your mentor-shepherd (who has seen this sort of thing before) can instantly recognise the lupine snout poking out from beneath the costume. She may not be an actual harlot, but the principle applies — “a woman who has no intention of being a biblical wife is a deep pit.”

Note that the Proverb describes her as a “narrow” well. This may be unexpected, especially in light of other biblical statements like “broad is the way that leads to destruction” (Matt 7:13) and “many are the slain whom she has cast down” (Prov 7:26). In what sense is sexual sin “narrow”?

Christians living under the blessing of God really do live in a garden of yesses, punctuated by several emphatic nos — and this goes for sexual and emotional intimacy, too. Of course, a sinner would object: in God’s plan for sexual intimacy, there are billions of nos, and only one yes. “Every woman on the planet, except for my wife, is a no.” he might complain.

This is true. So how can it possibly be explained as ‘a garden full of yesses’?

By analogy, suppose you witness a king complaining about the fact that he is only allowed to wear one crown.

“There are hundreds — thousands — of crowns out there,” he bellows to his circle of counselors, “and I’m stuck with just this one!”

“It is a very beautiful crown, your majesty.” points out an older gentleman who, a dozen years ago, thought he’d seen it all.

“But why can’t I have all the crowns?”

After a momentary silence — in which the newest member whispers to his neighbour “Is he always like this?” — a man with an exquisite salt-and-pepper beard steps forward and clears his throat. He’s had enough of this, quite frankly, and evidently doesn’t care if he gets executed for whatever he’s about to say.

“I can answer your question, sire.” he begins, with a respect that seems to hurt him. “Although your line of questioning may indicate otherwise, you do, in fact, have but one head. A singular noggin. A solitary dome. And at the summit of the scalp in question, there is room for but one crown. You follow me? Were you to have two, or three, or four-hundred-and-twelve others, it would avail you nothing, so long as you have nowhere to put them. If you try to stack them, your people will laugh at you. So will I. If you wear a different one each day, your people will not recognise you. They will assume, and perhaps correctly, that your kingdom has been conquered. In short, O most noble — and, let’s be honest, stupid — of potentates, you might as well ask why can’t I have seven hundred heads?”

As predicted, the counsellor is soon executed for his trouble, but the fact that I have recorded his words for your benefit, dear reader, means that his sacrifice was not in vain.

What the king failed to appreciate was that the glory of possessing a crown (and thus, a kingdom) would only be cheapened by multiplication. Had he been content with his lot, the one magnificent ‘yes’ that sat upon his head could have filled his horizons with an immeasurable joy. Instead, he tried to look beyond his God-given garden of delights. He reached out for forbidden fruit.

Monogamous marriage requires the same thought process. According to the scriptures, a godly man will become so intoxicated with his wife that she completely fills his horizons. To him, she is God’s garden of yesses.

As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love.

(Proverbs 5:19)

Seen from this perspective, sexual sin really is a “narrow” pit. It exists in some dark, obscure corner of this bright world — a corner that should be utterly eclipsed by the light of lawful desire.

On the other hand, we must remember that the pit is also “deep”. Once you fall into it, you cannot easily get out. And to a young man languishing sordidly at the bottom, it may seem as though there is nothing left to live for, except to further embrace the darkness. Unaware of the wide open spaces that God has provided for those he loves, he begins scratching around in his prison cell for ways to add colour to his degenerate habits, desperate for something new and exciting.

This is the sad, haunting picture of sexual degeneracy painted by the Proverbs. If it applies to you — and, statistically, if you are a young man, it likely does — then the foregoing descriptions ought to sting. They should fill your heart with mourning. This would be an appropriate moment for genuine, literal tears. And such tears would give me joy.

Now I rejoice, not that you were made sorry, but that your sorrow led to repentance. (2 Corinthians 7:9)

Embrace this sorrow; lay it before God in confession. And repent, fool. Don’t you want a wife and children?

To be freed from the shackles of sexual sin, therefore, your heart must be anchored to the joy of a biblical life. If you are single, you must consider the rapture of being wedded to a Proverbs 31 woman. You must imagine the patter of small feet around your home, and the privilege that God may give you of directing those feet in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Visualise your own son asking you for advice. Feel your own daughter welcoming you home from work.

Set your eyes on that bright world. Love it so much that the thought of diving down the narrow pit of sexual immorality makes you sick. Yearn for it with such deep longing that when temptation strikes, you exclaim how could I do that to my [future] wife and children?

Postscript: The Female Counterpart

Being a man, I have more extensive insights into male psychology than female; and it would be easy for me to leave my comments there. However, the same principles should be applied to women who struggle with emotional pornography that attacks the heart. I add the following postscript with caution and humility.

The sin of emotional pornography is difficult to address because it is not easy to identify with precision. It is true that many novels are harmless; many rom-coms are innocuous. That said, the first step to addressing the sin of emotional pornography is to recognise that it does exist, and that it is ubiquitous in Western culture. Just as a man is tempted to lust with his eyes, so a woman is with her heart. A man covets his neighbour’s wife; a woman her neighbour’s story.

I thus coin the term pornopathy: pornography of the emotions. Someone had to.

Pornopathy is, in some ways, more insidious than pornography inasmuch as almost nobody acknowledges its existence. Pastors all over the world call men to repent of their pornography, as they should; very few call women to repent of their pornopathy. Yet, there are just as many women feeding daily on emotionally seductive narratives that train the heart to crave fantasy over faithfulness, drama over devotion, and self-indulgent longing over tangible love.

Despite the pleasure that comes from consistent immersion in pornopathy, it leads women into the same dark, lustful pit as sexually degenerate men. From the unchallenged, prideful heights of ‘emotional intelligence,’ women learn to trust their leashless hearts to lead them into a life of true fulfilment.

Pornopathy, like pornography, masks itself in the fake promise of fulfilment, but ends in the loneliness of disillusionment. Just as pornography gives men a false bodily standard for women, so pornopathy teaches women to demand kings while refusing to become queens. It cultivates storied expectations that no real man will ever meet. It trains the affections to lust after that which cannot love back.

To be freed from the shackles of emotional sin, therefore, you must be filled with the joy of your own story as God is choosing to tell it. Embrace the people God has given you, and thank him for them daily. Do this, and you will be the kind of woman whose heart is not tossed by every fictional breeze, whose life is adorned with good works, who laughs musically at the future.

A world is coming in which young men do not watch pornography, in which young women are not blown about by pornopathy. It is a world of men with backbones, men who work hard, men who aren’t smarmy and wheedling. It is a world of women with emotional security, women who are content, women who aren’t fickle and flighty.

This world does not exist yet. It awaits a day when strong pioneers from both sexes consciously and deliberately agree to build that culture.

Scriptures for Comparison

Proverbs 4:23

Proverbs 5:3-5

Proverbs 7:21-27

Proverbs 13:20

2 Timothy 2:22

Matthew 5:28-30

James 1:14-15

1 Peter 2:11

Hebrews 13:4