That Filthy Pagan Celebration We Like to Call 'Christmas'

I disagree, actually. That title was only to make you read on. Now that I’ve got you, here’s the truth, sir—or madam, as the case may be:

Let’s assume all the Christmas-is-pagan claims are correct. Suppose we grant that, no, Jesus’ birthday was not December 25; and yes, suppose Christians did appropriate a pagan celebration of the sun.

My question to these oh-so-perceptive interlocutors is: so what?

Do you accept the King’s Birthday long weekend in June? If so, do you realise the king’s birthday isn’t actually in June? A mind-blowing concept. What are you doing, then, my good men and women? Why don’t you insist upon a public holiday on November 14 each year until death do us part with the monarch?

As for the second accusation concerning the pagan origins of Christmas: this is a demonstrably—and frankly laughably—silly objection. What if a pagan person was repurposed as a Christian and lived the rest of his life for Christ? It’s certainly happened before. Is that okay? Why can’t Christians do the same with a pagan holiday?

Suppose, by analogy, that an abortion clinic (read: modern-day holocaust chamber) was shut down and repurposed as a hospital for struggling newborns. On the walls where murderous slogans like “Abortion is healthcare” and “Shout your abortion” used to hang—declaring undying allegiance to the individualistic culture of death—there now hangs verses like “Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these” (Matthew 19:14). Power outlets that used to feed electrons to the various instruments of cruelty that tore babies limb from limb and crushed their skulls are now serving tiny ventilators and IV drips.

When your newborn needs urgent medical care, will you send him here? Or will you refuse because of the clinic’s murderous origins?

It is my unsolicited opinion that those who fastidiously insist upon Christian abstinence from Christmas celebrations (“bEcaUsE WhEre dOeS tHe bIbLE cOmMAnD uS tO cELeBrAtE cHrIsT’S bIrtH, hUh?”) should stop celebrating their own birthdays, too, because (a) where does the Bible command you to celebrate your own birthday, and (b) your birthday is a heck of a lot less important than the King’s—you know, the true, undying King who sits in heaven laughing you to scorn because you don’t like the way he’s taking over the world.

Celebrate Christmas, ya clowns. And what’s more—now here’s a radical idea—enjoy it.